


Hope to those who have not (12/12) by Adalisa (marioz@spin.com.mx)

by m_a_archive_owner



Category: Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-03
Updated: 2014-04-03
Packaged: 2018-01-18 00:04:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,292
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1407577
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/m_a_archive_owner/pseuds/m_a_archive_owner
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After the battle, Obi-Wan reflects on his survival and</p><p>Note from mods: this story was originally archived at www.masterapprentice.org, which has closed due to code rot. To preserve the archive, we began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in March 2014. The m_a list was mailed in December 2013 as well as posted to a number of LJ and Dreamwidth communities about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this author, please contact us using the e-mail address on collection profile.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Hope to those who have not (12/12) by Adalisa (marioz@spin.com.mx)

**Author's Note:**

> // means telepathy.

|  [Master Apprentice](http://www.masterapprentice.org/html/index.html) [Archive](http://www.masterapprentice.org/html/archive.html) Hope to those who have not (12/12)  |  Quick search:   
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##  Hope to those who have not (12/12) 

###  by Adalisa (marioz@spin.com.mx) 

Archive: My site and the m_a archive. Anyone else, just ask. I  
won't say no.

Category: I'm not at all sure, but it's an AU, h/c, angst, and  
POV. Yeah, I think that's all.

Rating: PG-13

Warning: I'm sure I'm not following Canon somewhere. After all,  
I'm not all that familiar with anything in this universe  
besides the movies, the comic adaptation and what I have been  
reading here.

Spoilers: Some for TPM. This is an AU so it doesn't really  
matters.

Summary: After the battle, Obi-Wan reflects on his survival and  
his feelings.

Disclaimer: Everything here belongs to George Lucas, who is  
god. And I'm not making any money out of this... so it would  
really be pointless to sue me for it.

Content: Q/O.

Feedback: I love it. It's inspiring... and if anyone would have  
time to detailed feedback, I would really appreciate it.

Notes: // means telepathy.

Dedicated to: Gaby and Romie, my usual betas, whose RL has been  
really crazy this last months.

Special Thanks to: Catnip, who was kind enough to make an  
emergency beta of this. I did not listen to all her  
suggestions, so all the mistakes are mine.

  


Coruscant's skies are tinted red with the dying sunlight.

I never thought I would see it again. I thought that I would  
die before I could see the night sky in the planet where I had  
lived most of my life... Or that I would be so corrupted that I  
could never see its beauty without feeling hate.

I never thought I would have this chance again, to see the  
skies around the tower of the Temple, to at least feel part of  
myself at home. Almost safe.

Sometimes... Sometimes I believe that this is a dream. That I  
will wake up soon and find that I am still in Palpataine's  
power, still Maul's toy. On those days, I am afraid of going to  
sleep, I am afraid of closing my eyes.

I am afraid.

Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate.

I still don't believe I will ever be completely free of fear,  
of anger... of hate. I don't believe I will ever be free of the  
Dark Lords' taint. Master Yoda knows, Master Windu knows...  
Sith! Everyone knows, and I know that almost all the Jedi on  
the Temple are waiting for me to fall again, to disappear  
completely from sight. But for myself, and for those who  
sacrificed so much to save me, I will not. I have to find the  
strength to accept the fear, understand what I feel and let it  
go.

Watching the sky, I think back of the day when I saw my Master  
again, my beloved Qui Gon.

I had lost all hopes of seeing him once more, long before I  
realized that I was back on Coruscant. In Fett's hands... in  
Maul's hands... I lost my will to go on, so I didn't care. But  
Maul was a Sith, and when I discovered that his Master, Darth  
Sidious, was living leisurely at Coruscant as Chancellor  
Palpatine, Senator of Naboo... So near to the Temple... I knew  
I had to survive long enough to warn someone. Anyone.

But even that purpose didn't give me enough strength to rebel  
against what Maul did to me... I was his toy, his pet project,  
his revenge. Every day he made sure that I remember why I was  
with him and not at the Temple, that my Master had forsaken me,  
that he never thought me worthy enough of being his disciple.

And even when I despised him every moment I spent in his  
company, I still grieve his death.

I do not understand that myself, probably, I never will. But  
Maul became part of my life. And sometimes, on very rare  
occasions... he was kind to me. Despite all his hate, despite  
all his tortures, Maul made me feel wanted. After so long of  
being convinced that no one loved me, that no one cared for  
me... he walked past my shields.

I murdered him, when in a very hidden, very dark part of my  
heart, I was beginning to love him.

How can I ever be rid of this taint?

As far as I can tell, Sidious never expected the attack. He was  
too sure of his position, too sure of his powers. He never  
expected that a Jedi Master would try to attack him with no  
more support than a man and a child.

I was in the lower levels of his palace when it all happened.  
Unarmed, almost naked, beaten and weak. But none of that  
mattered when I saw my Master dueling Maul.

A vision of fear filled me then. I was not caged, and for that  
I will always thank the Force. I was weakened, but that did not  
lessen my resolve. I knew that the only reason the Sith Lords  
had to buy me was for the possibility of capturing my Master,  
and that if I didn't do something to help Qui-Gon, they would  
triumph in their plans.

But without a weapon, I was useless.

A beeping sound caught my attention, and I saw the little R2  
unit that had saved our lives on Naboo, a lifetime ago.  
Something flashed inside it, and suddenly, I saw my lightsaber  
flying towards me. Later, I found that it had been Anakin's  
idea, since the boy knew I would need a means of defense, and  
being a Jedi, I would not use a blaster... In that moment, the  
only thing I could think about was that my Master needed me,  
needed my help, even if I was no longer worthy of calling  
myself his Padawan.

Maul was shocked when he saw me joining the fight, and his  
shock cost him dearly. Even when he had the advantage of  
knowing the place, of knowing my Master style and my weakened  
state, it was that split moment of distraction what gave us the  
advantage. That... and something I hadn't seen or felt in a  
long time - a light in my Master's eyes that I had thought I  
would never feel again.

Hope.

My Love, my Soul.

I killed Maul, just as I had killed my master in the endless  
nightmares I had suffered ever since returning to Coruscant. I  
beheaded him after he fell to the floor. But I did not felt  
better, or free, or relieved with his death.

I felt nothing. An emptiness that I fear can fill my hearth if  
I let it.

And then I fainted.

I didn't come to my senses until two days later, under the  
Temple healers' care. I was sure I had died, that everything  
was just a dream. Then I saw him... Qui Gon, my Master, asleep  
on a chair at my side. Our bond was still broken, but even so  
just by being near to him, I could almost believe that  
everything was over, that my wounds would heal.

That the darkness would be purged.

But I know that is just wishful thinking. He doesn't know how I  
feel about him, and even if he knew, he would never return my  
love. If he rescued me, it was just because I am his Padawan,  
and he feels responsible for my safety. And now that I am back  
at the temple, his responsibility is over. I won't be a burden  
anymore.

While I was recovering, I was allowed to have visitors. Anakin  
was one of the first to appear, and I learned how the Council  
had refused to train him. The irony was not lost to me. I chose  
my path so my Master could bring the young boy and his mother  
to Coruscant, so the boy could be a Jedi... and that was not to  
be. Still, I am glad. Anakin will go to Naboo, he will become a  
pilot and protect the Queen who is now his friend.

When the healers allowed me to walk by myself, and return to my  
quarters, things had changed greatly. I was questioned once and  
again by the Council, who seemed intent on knowing everything  
that happened to me since I left my Master's side. Why had I  
sold myself in exchange for Shmi Skywalker, what had I thought,  
what did I do... What had they done to me...

I couldn't tell them everything... I tried to regain what  
little calm I still had, remember my life long training, and  
stay as detached from the events as I could. But even when I  
did tell them about the abuse my body sustained, I did not  
reveal the grim thoughts that raced through my mind. I did not  
address the doubts that had plagued me.

I did not mention the darkness that now lives in my heart.

I know I did not fool them, they wanted to question me further.  
But my Master's intervention stopped it. He was adamant that I  
would not be tortured further for those who caused the delays  
of my rescue, yelled at them that if there was indeed any  
darkness in my soul it was because of the betrayal of the  
Council.

His words still echo in my mind: I was shocked to hear him, the  
most proper of Jedi Masters, addressing the Council with anger.

Later, I was a witness for Queen Amidala, who presented to the  
Senate the evidence of Palpataine's betrayal. Even when he  
escaped, a death sentence was issued on his head. He will be  
killed on sight, no matter where in the Republic he hides. I  
know it won't be that easy. The Sith Lord is more powerful than  
what we thought. It might be even possible that nothing we do  
can stop him.

And I think... maybe that is not bad. Darkness is necessary for  
us to see the Light.

I hear my Master's steps approaching me.

The only thing that has not changed is this. I am still his  
Padawan, he is my Master again. Even when I severed our bond,  
even when he knows there is darkness inside me, he still wants  
me as his apprentice.

"Padawan..." His voice, which I had only heard in my dreams for  
the longest time, is filled with worry.

"Yes, Master?"

"We need to talk. I've been meditating about many things since  
I failed to see your plan on Tatooine." That surprises me. I  
knew that he was unaware of my intentions when I went to see  
the Pod Race, but I never imagined that he would think about  
that. I always assumed he had more pressing business at hand  
than to worry about me. "After I realized that you were gone...  
I almost died. I refused to eat, I refused to talk... Once our  
mission to see the safety of Queen Amidala was over, once that  
I was alone... I almost let myself die... Because you were not  
at my side, Obi-Wan."

"Master?" It is not the first time he says my name, but it is  
the first time that I hear him say it like this. Soft... almost  
longing. It is a caress, an apology... and a declaration that I  
never thought I would hear.

"I am sorry it took this for me to realize the truth about my  
feeligns, my Padawan. I only hope you can forgive me for my  
blindness. It cost you too much."

My mouth is frozen, because I cannot believe I am hearing  
things right. Because he doesn't know! And I didn't realized  
either... Suddenly all my suffering, all my fear is dwarfed by  
this knowledge. Even when my Master doesn't know I love him...  
He loves me.

But I cannot tell him that. I cannot admit my own feelings. I  
cannot risk telling him and knowing I was wrong, that it is all  
in my mind.

My mind. Now I feel myself missing the bond that we had - the  
bond that I cut to keep him safe. The bright but stern presence  
that was part of me since I was thirteen years old. The warmth  
that was there for me, even in my worst times. The concern that  
he always showed for me, even before he accepted me as his  
Padawan. The spark of life, of experience that envelops my  
whole being, when he is with me.

I miss that. I was a fool to destroy it, even when it was the  
only path I could take. My heart aches for him, and suddenly  
the memory of that feeling overwhelms me, envelops my mind, and  
I can feel that warmth again. It is not the echo of those days  
long past. Its a feeling more intense, a light a thousand times  
more bright.

I open my eyes, when I had not realized that I had closed them.  
He is looking at me with a smile in his face, nodding.

//Yes, my Padawan... we're together again//

He is crying as he holds me, but my eyes are dry. I cannot find  
tears, even when my heart is breaking from joy. Can this be  
true? Can this be real?

And in his embrace, my fear melts and disappears. I cannot be  
afraid as he holds me, as my soul finally finds it's true place  
in the universe.

"Master..." I begin, and he shakes his head. I hesitate, but I  
finally realize what he is trying to tell me. "...Qui-Gon..."

"Yes, Obi-Wan?" And his eyes shine, and I know it is not a  
dream, he is here, I am here. The night is finally over.

//My love//

//My soul//

The End.

  



End file.
